An Open Letter To The First Boy To Break My Heart

I was only sixteen years old when I met you. You were eighteen. At first you were never someone who I could see myself being with. Honestly, I hated you at first. You were not welcoming, you never made any sort of effort to be. We hated each other for so long, before we slowly became friends. Sometimes, I wish that we had never stopped hating each other. We became friends eventually, and for so long, that is all that we were. We hung out in groups, never alone. I was not even close to you. One day that all changed, I started talking to you all the time, I do not even remember how any of that started I just know that it did.
Eventually, over the course of those few months that we were friends, I started to fall for you. The amount that we talked slowly rose and rose until it was one continual conversation that never ended, even as the days came and went. We started hanging out, I would go over to your place and you would come over to mine. At first, we were just friends, we did normal stuff like watch movies on separate couches, and watch stupid videos that you would find. We had the same sense of humour, we could laugh for hours at the jokes you would make, and the funny things you would find. Then, we started getting closer. We started laying in bed and cuddling, and we had all those tickle fights that you would start. Oh, how I miss those sometimes. You never did it after we started dating. Everything you did to win me over stopped eventually. I started to like you so much, and the night that I lay on your chest while you confessed that you liked me too, was the second-best day of my life. Second only to our first date. The first time that I kissed you was our first date, and you asked me out a month later.
It was all so amazing, you won me over. You were everything that I had ever wanted. You were my best friend. I had fallen for you and you had fallen for me too. I had someone who I could laugh with and kiss all at the same time. What more could a person want. I had so much hope for you and our relationship. You were my first everything, my first kiss, my first boyfriend. I thought that we could last. We talked about our future and what we wanted. We did not want the same things, but I was willing to compromise for you. You did not want pets like I do, and I thought that I did not need pets to be happy if I had you. We were going to move to a big city and find work that we enjoyed, and live in an apartment with your best friend. We were going to have everything. That is what I wanted, I could not wait until I graduated so I could start my life with you. I wanted to have a life with you.
But, you broke my heart. Eventually you became busier and busier, to the point where you honestly did not have time for a girlfriend. You would not answer me for hours, and our relationship became a waiting game for me. You were only willing to give me a few hours of your time every week to spend time together. I wanted more, and that made me the bad guy. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with you, and you did not want the same. We used to spend relatively every day with each other, at the beginning of the relationship, and in the last month I saw you for less than four hours a week. Most of that time was spent in your tiny apartment watching movies or playing video games. You would not even cuddle with me when I asked you to. You stopped doing anything that involved touching me and blamed it on the heat of the coming summer weather. But I do not think that the heat had anything to do with it. It was not even warm.
At the end, I was so surprised to hear that you no longer cared about me when I thought that you had, but honestly, looking back I should have seen it coming. Weeks before we broke up, you stopped being affectionate, you stopped wanting to spend time with me, you started talking to me less and less. I should have seen it coming. You started getting mad at me for everything I did, and I started doing the same to you. You were no longer the same person that I had fallen for. As much as you denied it, I know that you changed. I had changed too, I was not as happy as I used to be. You had broken me.
You blamed the breakup on me. You said that you were not happy because of the way that I overreacted and the way that I was. But I do not think that you see that you were the problem. I do not think that you understand that the reason I started acting like that, was because you started acting the way that you did. You changed as much as I did. Near the end you expected me to just be on the sidelines of your life, you wanted to live your life without me and just have me there when you wanted me. That was not good enough for me, that was not what I wanted from a relationship. I wanted to live your life with you, I wanted to come along for the ride. You would rather have me silent and happy standing on the sidelines. You only wanted to talk to me or spend time with me when it was convenient for you. I do not think that is how relationships should work, but you do. That was our biggest problem.
You were not happy, and neither was I, but for completely opposite reasons. I was not happy because I had a boyfriend that did not want me. You did not care for me, you did not put effort into our relationship. I was not happy. You were not happy because you had a girlfriend that cared for you. You had someone that got upset because of the lack of effort you were putting into the relationship, you had someone that would pick fights about things that bothered me because I wanted our relationship to be perfect. I wanted us to be happy. The fact that I would point out things that I did not think were right, was enough to make you unhappy, because it was things that you were doing. You always thought that you were the perfect boyfriend, up until the end that was your thought process, but it could not have been further from the truth. You were not perfect by any standard, so far from it. But as soon as I tried to tell you that, I was the crazy girlfriend.
For so long, I was the crazy girlfriend that did not know how to handle a relationship. You told me over and over that I did not know how to handle a relationship, and that everything wrong with our relationship was my fault. As soon as I tried to tell you that you needed to do something differently, instead of taking the criticism like a mature adult, you turned it on me. You turned it into me not seeing the way that you thought this relationship was supposed to go. You turned it into me being immature and not being able to handle myself. You blamed me for everything that you did. You ruined our relationship, and even now you still will not admit that.
More than once you got mad at me for the fact that I cried all the time, but I was crying over you. I cannot remember the last time I cried over something that was not you, it has been years. You got mad at me for having emotions, having feelings. What you wanted out of a relationship was beyond ridiculous. You should not date a human being. Humans have too many feelings for your liking.
I just can not believe how long I let our relationship stretch out for as long as it did. I cannot believe that I begged for you to give me another chance, looking back I see how stupid that was. I should have just let you go then. We tried to be friends, but that did not work. It was never going to when you brought the biggest problem of our relationship, into the friendship too. Not only did you continue to not care or put in the effort but it became worse. It was to the point where I would try to start a conversation and you would outright ignore me. You would open a message and not answer. When I called you about it, you claimed that you were too busy. I just do not understand how if you have time to open the message, you do not have time to answer. But again, I was crazy because I don’t understand how you think this is okay.
You started to tell me the reason that you do not answer is because I am negative and I bring you down. You told me that I just do not make you happy. That you just do not care about me anymore, and that I brought it to that point. But I do not understand how that is the way that you think. The reason that I am is so negative is because of you. You force me to be negative because every single time that I have gotten my hopes up, you have shown me exactly why I should never do that. I may bring you down, but you brought me down first. You held me under the water while I was kicking and screaming and you did not let go until I had stopped trying to live. And at this point I am glad that you do not care about me anymore because it would be a lie to tell you that I want you to. I hate you, you ruined everything that I was. I want to be my old self again, but I am still trying to find it.
You let me down every single time. I would continually plan stuff for us and you just would not follow through. I would ask for you to pick me up at a certain time or ask to hang out at a certain time and you would get distracted with whatever you were doing and forget about me. I would call your phone because we were supposed to hang out and I still have not heard from you, but you would not answer. You would call me an hour later and get mad that I was mad. What did you expect when you just blow me off like you did. It was always something with you, something always came up. You would tell me that you would be over in a minute, and call me in half an hour saying something came up. I was not important to you, everything else in your life was so much more important. I would drop what I was doing for you if you needed me, but stopping for me would not even cross your mind.
I’m so glad that we are done because you were everything I wanted but not like this. We had everything, we could have been everything. But I can not be with you, if this is the way that you are going to be in a relationship. I can not be with someone that doesn’t care for me or make me a priority. I can not be at the bottom of your list. I wanted you so badly, I had fallen for you, I had given up so much for you. But I can not do this. I can not like my life waiting around for you because you have better things to do. I need someone that is willing to give me effort and their time. You were not willing to do that and I do not think that you ever will be. So, this is goodbye, because unless you are just going to change the way you are, I can never be with you.


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