Losing Your Lover

The pain of losing someone that you care about immensely is unimaginable and I would never wish it upon even my worst enemies. When someone breaks your heart, you can feel your heart breaking into a million pieces, it shatters in your chest. Fighting with someone you care about is painful enough, going through the pain of not only being mad at them but knowing that they are mad at you as well is tough, but when the person you are with leaves you, that pain is something else. It’s like no matter what you do, nothing will ever be enough. When your partner leaves you, it feels like you are just not good enough for them, even if that’s not the case. It’s a million times worse when you losing that person is all your fault. Messing up is tough enough, but losing someone because you messed up is worse. It hurts when the way that you are causes you to mess up the best thing that you’ve ever had.
There is nothing worse than when you have feelings for someone and they feel the same way about you, but being with them is just something that does not work. It’s the worst pain imaginable because you just want to be with them and you can’t. You know that you can’t but you still want to be. It’s like the universe is rubbing it in your face that you had something perfect, but you can’t have it anymore. Having exactly what you wanted, and feeling like the luckiest person on earth is amazing, but it doesn’t last. You could have the person that you want, and just lose them as fast as you got them.
I had someone that I cared about so much, but the way that I am was getting in the way of everything. I treated him so terribly without even meaning to, and I regret it all so much but there is no way to take back the past. If I could do anything, if I had any sort of magical powers, I would rewind time to the day that we first met but no matter how much I wish I could do that, I can’t and I know that I can’t. I’ve ruined any trust that he had in me by promising to change and not changing fast enough, before I could screw up again. I wish that I didn’t screw up as much as I did, or that I could control my emotions and feelings better than I did. If only I could turn back time…. if only I could get another chance. I know for a fact that if I got another chance I would change everything, I wouldn’t screw up again, I wouldn’t lose him again. The problem is getting him to trust me when I’ve promised millions of times and it still wasn’t enough. I can change but I can’t change fast enough. I am willing to do everything for him, I would change everything about myself for him if I could. I wish I could be perfect for him but I never will be. I will never be good enough. I’m never going to get that final chance, as much as I wish I was.
He continually says that I’m not ready for a relationship, and that I don’t know things well enough or at all, but one thing I do know is that I care about him so much. More than I have ever cared about anyone, at least that’s how it feels. I’m falling in love with him, I have never felt that way about anyone before but it’s happening with him. My feelings for him are so deep that it is not measurable. But he doesn’t trust me now and it’s so hard to earn that back. I don’t know if I ever will. I want to be ready for a relationship, I want to be ready to be in a relationship with him but that is going to take time.
I wasn’t trying to break his trust. I did mean every word that I’ve said to him and every promise meant something to me. I don’t make empty promises, I meant what I said, just as I do now. I just have issues that I must work through. But I feel like I could work through them with him by my side if he’d give me the chance to do so, but I know that he won’t. I just want to gain his trust back and I will do that by any means necessary.
I must work on myself, I should change things about myself before I can be with someone else. I need to change my expectations for what a relationship looks like because they are unrealistic. I need to realize that he needs his time and his space and that I’m not his top priority. I need to work on myself, and how I feel and what I expect before I do anything else.
The worst part of this all is that I want to spend the rest of my life with him and I honestly don’t know if he feels the same way at this point. I could see myself being with him until the day I die. I want to marry this man and have kids with him and buy our own home together. I want to fall in love with him a little more everyday and for him to do the same. I could see myself waking up every morning beside him in bed and kissing his lips. I could do that for the rest of my life but I lost everything. All because I screwed up one too many times.
I have problems and I’m willing to admit that. I have issues with jealousy and I am kind of controlling and I need to work on that as well. I need to be more open to him having his own life without me. I am willing to do that for him, I just need another chance. I was too clingy and controlling because I didn’t know how to deal with certain things. I didn’t know how to deal with him having other friends, especially friends that are girls. That was a new concept to me and I didn’t know how to deal with it and I regret the way I did deal with it. I get upset over trivial things and get put into terrible moods and then it just brings him down.
He was happy and I know that I was too. I was so happy for the most part and I’d like to think that he was generally happy too but I brought him down so much. My mood swings and crappy moods brought down his happiness to the point where he just wasn’t happy. The amount that we fought was terrible, and it was always the same fight and that was my fault too.
I want to be with him more than anything in the world, I want nothing more. I would honestly do anything within my abilities to be with him. I would do anything and I mean that. I would change every aspect of myself to be with this man. But I know that that is not healthy the same way that our relationship was not.
I do care about him immensely and I would do anything to have him back but maybe this is for the best. Maybe caring about someone and liking them so much just isn’t enough sometimes. No matter what I did it wasn’t enough. All I can do right now is let go of this relationship and be his friend and just see where that goes. I can’t see the future or where it will take me. All I can do is see the best in this and be happy that I only lost him as boyfriend, not as a friend.

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